confession#1

Sometimes I want to Run Away!

I feel overwhelmed,  I feel like I’m drowning,  gasping for air.  There’s no way out and I am smothering,  I can’t breathe.  These are the words that describe what I’m feeling at this moment.  How can I feel this way,  I mean,  I can handle it.  Right?

Sure I can,  but why should I?  I can just run away and never look back.  Drop everything and step right over it.  Then I won’t have this trapped feeling.  This feeling sucks and I don’t want it here with me anymore.

Yes,  I am human too.   There is a person behind this screen and today I am a vulnerable mess.  Why?  Well,  today I don’t want to face responsibility.  I don’t want to take care of family or meet deadlines,  and I don’t want the noise of the inside or the outside.

I don’t want to be asked to do another thing for anyone else besides me.

The noise is extra loud today and I just want silence!  I want to Run away.

Responsibility

We all have responsibility.   I know I’m not the only one,  but damn when it gets to be to much I want to scream.  I’m tired of being all things to all people.  I don’t want to do things that I don’t want to do when I don’t feel like doing them.

I mean,  is that too much to ask for?   To be able to wield my own time as I see fit.  Nope,  can’t do that because responsibility laughs at the thought of it.

So,  am I wrong for wanting to run away from it all?  Are we wrong for getting tired of it?

Misplaced Anger

When I’m feeling this way everyone pays for it.  I’m in the worst mood ever and don’t want to do another thing for anyone else.  So,  when anyone ask for anything it’s not good.  It could be something as simple as an opinion.  With misplaced anger an opinion reads as “Can you stop what you’re doing an do this for me too?”

I know that’s overkill,  but it’s honestly what is happening in my head at the time.  Like I said I want to Run Away!

Anxiety

As I type out these words I have come to realize that these feelings that I am describing is Anxiety.  It has snuck up on me and is making me feel trapped and uneasy.  Wow,  how did you find me?  Me of all people?  How dare you?  Well,  anxiety don’t get comfortable because you have got to go.  Now!

You have made me feel like I want to Run Away,  but no one and nothing controls my life,  but me.

And you know what?  That’s what I going to do.  I’m going to Run Away for a day.  Just me,   just for a few hours so that I can reset.  I owe it to myself.   And,  I’m sure my family will benefit too.  Kick Rocks,  Anxiety you’re not welcomed here.

Well that’s my confession for today.  I’m human and this human is going to take time to herself to reload,  beat down this demon called anxiety and become whole again.  I hope you do too.

Love,

Toni

photo credit: Geoff Livingston Torero via photopin (license)