Friendship: Why am I secretly Jealous of my friend?
This is a tough subject for me because I have dealt with this friendship flub for most of my life. I have never completely understood it, but I have developed empathy for it. I’m talking about dealing with and being around people who are calling themselves Friends, but are secretly jealous of the person they call a friend. In this short post I want to talk about the question “Why am I secretly Jealous of my Friend?”
Why do some people feel jealously toward people they call a friend? The people they talk to regularly, hang out with, and share their lives with are the people that they are secretly wishing would fail.
They’re secretly happy that their friend’s new business failed, or if their friend gained a few pounds, or even because they think he/she looks older. Secretly happy because their friend’s relationship ended, they were demoted, or because of anything that makes them feel like they have one up on their so-called friend. Look, this may sound silly or extreme but sadly it’s very real.
Jealousy and competition is a relationship killer and it should never come between friendship. If you find yourself in this type of relationship try to fix it. If that’s not possible, end it. I have and still do go through this type of thing with friendships. As an older adult, I have learned that there are two levels of relationships when it comes to friendships. There are associates and there are friends. I have a lot of associates, but only a handful of friends.
Associates are people who you meet and may sometimes hangout with through friends, family, coworkers, etc You see them often and they are a part of your outer circle. However, friends are a part of your inner circle. I have only a handful of friends. The people I call friends have access to me and my personal surroundings, something that associates do not. I trust my friends with my personal feelings.
Unfortunately, sometimes friends have to be moved from my friends circle over to my associates circle because of jealously and competition. Why not just get rid of them entirely you may ask? Here’s why.
I use to feel like they were all bad or damaged people who needed to be written off. But, now I know that there is more to it than that. Life beats us up. All of us. We all cope differently. Some of us get up brush off our knees and keep moving. Some take longer to recover and some never do. Recovery time just depends on how long it takes us to recognize that we are not functioning at full potential.
When, life beats us up sometimes it changes the way we think. We even let others and our experiences affect the way we think about ourselves.
So, If you’re reading this and this person is you I’m just going to say it…. If you are Secretly Happy about or Amused by Someone Else’s Shortcomings, it’s time to Admit, Recognize, and Work on your own Insecurities.
Insecurities come from life. Either someone, something, or situation, made you think you are not good enough, big enough, attractive enough, or brilliant enough and I’m here to say that is a lie.
Move on. Your insecurities have nothing to do with the person you are putting down. Making fun of, talking about, being jealous of, and belittling someone else will not make you feel better about yourself and it certainly will not change your situation. You are the only person who can make a change.
Start by looking at yourself in the mirror and saying I am good enough, big enough, attractive enough, and brilliant enough….YOU ARE ENOUGH!
If you don’t believe that you are enough, learned to believe. Use and recite positive affirmations everyday. Repeat them until you believe them, they work! Affirmations will change your way of thinking and heal negative thoughts. Try it and let this be your first step into investing in yourself.
Don’t lose a good friend because you have not recognized your insecurities.
Work on you. You owe it to yourself.
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Great post. The truth is, who doesn’t. But I don’t dwell on it and then in time, I learned to be happy for her.
That’s great Jen, mutual love and support is important in a friendship
As I have gotten older I’ve learned to appreciate and be happy upon my friends blessings. I guess it’s all in how you love and see the situation!
I agree. Things are always clearer when looking through a matured pair of glasses.
Jealousy is a natural emotion in all of us. I’ve never felt jealous over a friend, I have over how other members in my family have been treated but I am gradually learning not to take the favoritism of others to heart.
Hi Jenni, I have learned that many times with family parents and elders tend to support the kids who are not as strong as others. It can be mistaken for favoritism. I’m not sure that this is your situation, but I have experienced this. It could also be that, that person has more in common with the other. It doesn’t mean that you’re loved less than.
Just remember you are wonderful no matter what.
It really is sad when we project our own insecurities on to others especially our close ones. Ive had a few friendship losses because they felt that my successes were hindering their successes, which really makes me sad because I know that I only ever rejoiced when they succeeded.
That’s unfortunate, I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through that experience. Some take longer to get to a place of happiness than others. Continue to celebrate and support your friends who are supportive.
Great post! As I grow older I’m more content with what I have and don’t have. Jealousy is an emotional reaction that’s not healthy.
I agree. We’re all continuously growing and learning.
This reminds me of the song from Morrissey – We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful. It cheers me up when I am jealous of a friend of mine. Helps feel happy for them.
Wow never heard this song before, thanks for sharing.
I love this! It’s time to be genuinely happy for people especially those that we consider our friends. There’s nothing better than spreading kindness in a world that’s full of hate. Let’s all be happy about their progress, they worked hard for it.
Yes, that’s right Carol
I think everyone feels jealous at some point, but if those emotions start to dominate our friendship, I simply cut ties. I honestly have very little tolerance or patience for negative people.
I try to stay as far away from negative people as I can also.
I have never felt this way about a friend. But I lost a friends, at least I though we were friends, because of this. I would call her and tell her about my life and she would find a way to put me down… aren’t you too old for that, so your scholarship is only for a semester, etc… I had to let her go. The only time it wasn’t tense was when we just talked about her.
This is so common. I really wish that it wasn’t as familiar to so many, but unfortunately more people have experienced this than not. Life can be hard and it leaves so many of us with baggage. Sorry you experienced this.
Jealousy is something that I have really struggled with but as I’ve grown and matured, it doesn’t affect me as much. I am able to recognize it and correct my thinking when it starts to overcome me .
Jealousy is a natural human emotion. Being mindful of our emotions shows personal growth and maturity. We all have jealous feelings at one point or another. It’s how we deal with them that counts.
I used to feel jealous of others, but now I’m learning not to compare so much. Everyone is different and reaches success in different ways. Realizing that has helped me out.
I have actually been actively working on drawing a space between my inner circle and my outer circle for a while now, and that has included adjusting and changing the positions I’m holding open in my life for certain people. It isn’t always easy, and in some cases has been downright painful to me – but I began to notice people who behave as you described in this post in so many aspects of my life. I used to be very close friends with someone I had known all my life, but have had to (over the course of a few years) push her back to arm’s length after realizing that she is one of these jealous, competitive “Friends” you described. It took me a long time to realize that part of why I struggled so much with faith and belief in myself was due to her constant passive-aggressive comments about how much better than me she was and would always be as a mother, a wife, a woman. She still does it to some degree, where if I have good news to share, hers is always better – and even if I have bad news I need some support over, her bad news is worse. It’s much better now though, because I recognize the behavior in her, because I recognize the extra sensitivity in myself, and above all, because I choose to limit the contact as much as politely possible.
That’s really unfortunate. This is not your fault. I understand how painful this is because I’ve been in your shoes. But, once I distanced myself I was much happier. I surrounded myself with people who were uplifting and supportive. Which very important for personal growth and happiness.
Totally agree. There are clearly things going on for you if you cannot me happy for someone else. My boss at work is like this – she is never happy when we achieve things but we know that underneath all that she’s a very unhappy person. Unfortunately she doesn’t see it so she wouldn’t do anything about it!
Hopefully as time goes on she will develop a sense of self and find happiness.
Even I get jealous when my friend talks to someone whom I don’t like and it’s natural:D